Things in my career have not worked out the way I planned over the last few months. It's funny how when someone gets attached to an outcome, the disappointment is felt more deeply. It's a very Buddhist concept, and one that I've learned the hard way over the years. Yet, I still occasionally fall into the trap of expecting events to unfold in a particular way. It is human nature, and a Buddhist would argue, that it isn't our true nature. It's all part of this brain, body, soul intertwining experience...and the brain and body are able to trick us into believing that they are "where it's at". That they are the truth. But they aren't...emotions pass, thoughts are fluid, and the essence of YOU ultimately isn't what you experience through the senses.
Anyway, I'm getting a little too philosophical...back to the original discussion. Frustration, disappointment, and lessons learned.
I started a position at a new counseling firm, and 2 1/2 months later, I still don't have a client to work with. That's right, I haven't worked at all for the last few months. We have clients that are waiting for approval from Medicaid, but until I get an authorization, I can't work with them and don't get paid. It has been frustrating, to put it mildly.
This position was supposed to be a positive change, a way for me to remove myself from a toxic work environment, and have more opportunities. I was going to making more hourly, have more freedom within the constraints of Medicaid requirements, etc, etc. The list of benefits, as perceived by me, can go on and on....
While this change did not manifest itself in the ways that I had planned or expected, it managed to be a positive change in many ways. I have tried to find meaning in the ways of the universe, and I think I have found some insight into this situation. Here is what I have learned during this experience:
- I wasn't taking enough time to do things I enjoy, and this forced time off has allowed me time to experiment. I knew I needed time off from what I was doing to recharge...I'd factored in two weeks of rest, but after the two weeks was over, I still didn't feel rested. Working with kids with autism can be difficult. Working as a counselor can be difficult. Counselors and therapists are frequently burnt out, and a burnt out counselor is not as effective.
- I was able to remove myself from a toxic work environment. The anxiety I was feeling was not worth the job security. I didn't feel supported by my clinical director, and she was focused on money and not the human aspects of the job. Counselors aim to help people...if you got into this field to make money....well....you're going to be disappointed.
- My husband and I are able to live off of a lot less money than we thought. This has not been ideal, financially speaking, but it has been done successfully. I am super grateful for all the comfort we have in life, even when we are "struggling". We have been able pay all of our bills (mortgage, two car payments, utilities, etc), and still eat well, on one paycheck...with a little frivolous spending left over. We made some smart financial choices in the last year, and they've paid off. We lowered our mortgage payment so we could buy a second vehicle. We canceled our exorbitant cable bill and just pay for internet...with an old school antenna on the plasma TV. We cancelled a pricey cell phone plan and just deal with 20 bucks a month on iPad data and some pay as you go flip phones. All of these little things have added up to a significant savings...and I've been thankful for it.
- Avenues of opportunity have opened, even if it was not in the way I anticipated. The day I quit that job, there was an energy shift. That same day, I got a call for a position that I'd applied for more than 6 months before. I've been able to work on items for my Etsy shop. I have expanded my ideas about what is possible in my career...looking in different cities, applying for a broader range of positions, looking into ways get my license and broaden my expertise.
The moral of this story is: when there is no plan, all the potential paths and opportunities are opened up to you. I feel that the universe, God, whatever you want to call it, gives you opportunities that you can choose to take...or not to...the choice is ours. We can choose to see them or choose to ignore them and keep going about our business.
I am still frustrated, but I can see that there is a larger picture unfolding. The frustration mostly stems from impatience in knowing the outcome of the current events...I'm want to see the results, instead of waiting to see where these circumstances are leading.
I will work on staying present, focusing on the "now". I'm going to take a break to watch and listen to the rain in my garden.
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