Ravelry and the death of my free time.

I am proud of myself for making a "to do" list for today, and getting some items checked off that list.

Since starting to teach myself crochet, I've learned a great deal through watching videos on YouTube and checking for tips through Google.  How to Crochet - For Dummies has come in handy many times.  But in the midst of getting things done yesterday and today, I've found a new way to procrastinate in Ravelry.com.  My user name is Porkyporkerton, if anyone reading this is on there. I could spend hours browsing patterns for projects.  It seems like it has opened a new world of possibilities for community and project planning.  The site even allows you to keep track of your hooks and yarn stash!  Come check it out if you haven't already!

This is what I'll be working on first:  Waffle Dishcloth!  I've come a long way from being stuck on single crochet and simple square coasters (see pic).  I look forward to working on a granny square afghan sometime soon!

The best laid plans...

I was thinking that I was going to spend more time blogging during the spring this year.  Plans change when you least expect them.  I had grand plans for starting a new position with my beloved supervisor, who was moving to a new counseling company.  In the process of moving myself and my clients the new company, there has been an unexpected gap in work and pay.  It's now almost a month where I haven't been able to see my clients, and when I do I haven't been able to get paid. I needed to make a visit to sign papers with one family, and my client (a child with autism) was jumping on the bed with a bread knife!  Talk about having a heart attack!  I don't remember disarming a hyper, giggling, jumping child, as being part of my safety care training. I was confident that I was going to have to make a 911 call that day, but thankfully he deescalated quickly.  This family, and my other client, have gone for almost a month without my support, and I can't seem to make things move along any faster.

Working with Medicaid and government funding can be difficult and irritating.  However, what makes my situation many times worse,  I think my old company screwed me over on purpose.  For ease of conversation, lets call them company A, and new company will be company B.

Company A has demonstrated significant problems in the last two years I've worked for them, including:  forcing a clinical director to resign without hiring a new one, forcing another supervisor to take on the jobs of 3 people without a pay raise, not hiring new counselors when old counselors move on, not investing in expansion of services provided when counselors express interest in outpatient and parole monitoring, and refusing to allow workers to attend vendor fairs for increased exposure.  Also, there is a regional director in place who has admitted "I don't care about these people." aka the clients and their families.  What makes her want to work in the counseling field, I have no idea.  I thought the point was to help people!  Hah, silly me.  In addition to all of this, there was a bizarre drama unfolding between the regional director and my supervisor, undeserved by my supervisor and perpetuated by the regional director.  This is what finally spurred my supervisor to leave, and what motivated me to leave instead of remaining in such an unhealthy and unhelpful work environment. 

The woman responsible for filing and Medicaid at company A, told me that my client's Medicaid authorizations would need to be closed out so that the new company could open their authorization.  My regional supervisor at company B told me the exact opposite.  Now I firmly believe that the people at Company A deliberately tried to make my transition harder, out of bitterness that I was leaving to continue working with my supervisor.  In closing out the authorizations in Medicaid's system, we will have to start the application for services over again, and unfortunately it can take an unreasonable amount of time.

All in all, I'm enjoying time off...but it would be better if I didn't have to stress about the financial issues associated with not working.  The good news is, I'm motivated more than ever to find stable employment with benefits, where my pay does not depend on a laundry list of variables that are not in my control.  I should probably work on my Etsy shop too, but I'm having fun gardening, crocheting, and catching up on my reading!  I've been cooking dinner every night, and packing the husband lunches.  I've had time to clean the house and fold laundry.  I have been working on teaching myself more crochet stitches!  So far, I've got a half double, and a double crochet down! This month, I participated in Reddit Gifts Star Wars exchange and made some fun clay stuff that I will post pics of soon.

I will do my best to keep enjoying the calm while it lasts.

 “The only order in the universe is just a cycle of calm and chaos.”
― Toba Beta, Master of Stupidity

There is no bear.

Yesterday, I had a very trying day.  While I was at a client's house, there was an incident and a friend of the family was stabbed to death.  It happened at the apartment complex across the street, and the police tape, and location of the man could be seen from the front door of the home.  I don't know the why's, but what good reason could there be for a 27 year old man to be dead, and a 21 year old girl to have ruined her life?  These kinds of thoughts trouble me.  I had difficult dreams last night, in which family members died with no apparent reason.  And it got me thinking on my own worries today.

I am a worrier by nature, but I do my best to fight it.  Every once in a while, I get graphic images of loved ones or myself dying in horrible accidents, or unfounded worries about people breaking into my house while I'm asleep.  I worry about work issues, about my clients between sessions, about my relationship with my husband.  I know that most of it is in my head, and it is fueled by my body's chemical reaction to the things in my head.  I know this, but it hasn't made it easier to get rid of these thoughts when they happen.  I'm a believer in the concept that all positive emotions are rooted in love, and all negative emotions are rooted in fear.  I've been struggling to take a journey with my emotions lately, to go a little further down the rabbit hole, and discover the source of the fear when negative feelings arise.  And then, the hardest part, I've tried to confront that source fear with love and sympathy.  Love of myself, love of others, love of the process of life.  I'm not sure how it's working, but I do feel slightly less anxious overall.

Then today, I read an article on The Daily Love about how fear makes you sick.  Basically, your brain has terrible difficulty distinguishing between serious issues, like a bear attack, and non-life threatening issues like a fear of rejection.  Your brain and body react the same way, and over time, these systems will wear out your body and tolerances to illness of all kinds.  But this confirmed my original thoughts about fear, and confronting it with love and understanding.

My new mantra when anxiety arises:  "There is no bear.  There is no bear."

Paleo and Juicing

We just bought this Omega Juicer.  I have a little anxiety about spending such a large sum of money (in my opinion) on a small kitchen appliance.  However, my husband convinced me that it will be worth it compared to the Jack LaLanne juicer, which is hard to clean and annoying to use.  I look forward to testing it out.

Basically, my husband and I have been talking about doing a juice cleanse for a little while.  I haven't want to do a full week or more of juicing using the LaLanne juicer, so I poo pooed the whole idea.  Now I don't have an excuse...but this time round won't be a traditional, only juice cleanse.  I plan on using the juice as a supplement to a paleo diet for a few weeks.  I'm not vegetarian, and I enjoy a good pork product.  Hence the paleo part of the "cleanse" we're going to try.

For those of you unfamiliar with paleo, I've written up a simple explanation.  There are varied ways of doing it, and I'm just picking out the main foods.

Things that you can eat:

• lean meats, fish, wild game, eggs, etc.
• pretty much any fruits
• lots of vegetables
• nuts and seeds

Things to eat in moderation, mainly oils and dried fruit:

• olive oil
• avocado oil
• walnut oil
• flax seed oil
• canola oil
• dried fruits

Things you don't eat:  

• Any milk or milk product
• Cereal grains:  barley, corn, millet, oats, rice, rye, wheat, etc.
• Cereal like grains:  amaranth, buckwheat, quinoa
• Legumes:  any beans, peas, peanuts, lentils, soybean (or soy products)
• Starchy veggies:  potatoes, tapioca, yams, etc.
• Salty foods: bacon, salami, hot dogs, salted nuts, pickled foods, sausages, olives, cheese, etc.
• Fatty meats
• All sugary drinks, soft drinks, etc.
• Processed sugars & candy

Of course, this is a very basic overview.  I don't know about the legitimate health benefits.  I'm not a nutritionist, but I don't think this is a good long term diet.  The reason I want to try it, is really to weed out any potential food sensitivity I might have in addition to the gluten.  I really think that sugar is giving me a hard time, but I can't be certain until I cut it out completely for a while.  We'll only be doing this for a week or two, and then I will be keeping track of adding back the sugar, as well as corn, rice, and soy to see how I feel.  I'm going to pre-plan some meals and juice so I can make minimal trips to the grocery store.  It's going to be interesting!  I can't see foods that look like this being a problem!

I guess I took a holiday break....

Wow, I didn't realize it had been that long since I've written an entry.  Maybe a little over a month isn't much in the grand scheme of things, but I'd hoped to write a little more frequently.  I haven't had an exact goal for writing, but I feel the need to write something...

As a catch up, there hasn't been anything major or exciting, but I've been generally busy.  Work always keeps me busy with sessions and paperwork, but working 6 days a week leaves little time for other things.  And there have been other things that need to get done.  There is always something, right?  I think a good goal to have is to be more efficient in my work, to allow for extra time at home.  I tend to drag out paperwork into longer stretches than it needs to be...and it would allow so much more time for crochet if I could just stop slacking!

There have been a lot of things on my mind lately, but I will work on stringing them together into coherent posts over the next few weeks.  I've decided that this year is the year to really work on shaping my life into what I want it to be.  I have just "gone with the flow" for so long, that I really need to step up and make changes happen.  I look forward to seeing how far I can get....

“Now more than ever do I realize that I will never be content with a sedentary life, that I will always be haunted by thoughts of a sun-drenched elsewhere.” 

― Isabelle Eberhardt, The Nomad: The Diaries of Isabelle Eberhardt

Pennies from Heaven

Regardless of your spiritual inclination, aside from those atheists among us, we all like to believe that our long gone loved ones are watching over us.  I'm not knocking the atheists out there, I think everyone should do what makes them feel good.  And it makes me feel good to think that my grandparents, great aunts and uncles, and great grandparents are watching over me.  The whole post might seem bizarre to some people, and if you think I'm crazy after reading this, that's ok with me.  I love you all anyway!

Almost everyone has heard the phrase "pennies from heaven" at some point.  (I didn't realize it was a song and a movie too!).  For anyone who hasn't heard of it, it can mean different things to different people.  Some people believe that angels are sending you blessings.  I don't believe that money is magically appearing, but I do believe that my loved ones might tap me on the shoulder, so to speak, and draw my attention to the loose change around me as a way of saying hi. And in my family, it isn't pennies, but dimes in particular that seem to pop up in weird places, and in weird ways.

A little back story:  My grandfather, Sal, passed away when my mother and aunt were very young.  My grandfather collected dimes unknown to other family  members.  Sometime after he passed, I believe it was my aunt that had a dream about dimes and it was involving the closet.  When my nani checked the closet, she found a box of dimes.  I don't think I got that story quite right, but either way, that seemed to be the start of the dimes in my family.

A few years ago, I started noticing dimes regularly.  My husband thought I was strange, reading too much into things, looking too hard for signs, etc, but he humored me until a particular incident.  I was standing in line in CVS drugstore, with an armful of items.  Looking around, everything was fairly still and I was a few people back from the only open register. There was rustling beside me, and I felt a tap on the shoulder from the 20 something man behind me in line.  As I turned around, he smiled at me.  He held out his hand and said "I found this dime, do you want it?"  I  look down at the dime, smiled back, and said "That's so nice, but you can keep it.".  This exchange made me smile for the rest of the day.  I found it odd that a stranger would offer me a dime at random, when there were other people in the line, and no one was visibly rummaging in their bags for payment.  At least if it was "Did you drop this?" I would have brushed it off as coincidence.  Even my skeptical husband had to admit that it was an unlikely event.

The other day, I was feeling a little down and I happened to find two dimes within an hour. My mood improved after the second one, because I felt like that was my nani's way of telling me there was no reason to feel crummy.  I think we all need a boost from time to time.  Keeping a positive attitude is something I strive to do. 

Choosing to be positive and having a grateful attitude is going to determine how you're going to live your life.
~Joel Osteen

Winter and incoming S.A.D.

 “I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says "Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
 
Fall feels like it is winding down, which fills me with melancholy and a pinch of dread.  I generally don't enjoy winter.  It's far too cold, dark, and wet for my comfort level.  I like staying home, wrapped up in an electric blanket on my sofa, reading a romance novel, and sipping tea, instead of venturing outside to do things like going to work, grocery shopping, posting mail, etc.  The desire to cocoon is particularly high when it gets dark at 4pm and if there is snow or rain in the air.  However, life goes on and items on my "to do" list must get accomplished eventually.

As a counselor by profession, I feel like my own mental health gets neglected at times.  It's extremely easy to get sucked in to your client's drama, and feel very emotionally attached to outcomes.  The burnout level is high with this profession.  Mental health is like physical health in a lot of ways....you do have to take care of it, maintain it, routinely do things that keep you feeling good.  For everyone, the details of how or what to do, are going to be different.  You just gotta figure out what works!

This year, I want to do things differently.  I have a plan for fending off winter seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D).

• Wake up earlier.  Since it starts getting dark when I go to work around 4pm, I am much more productive if I get up around 8am and have a full day of daylight.
• Get outside as much a possible.  On those days when it is sunny and slightly less frigid, being outside makes me feel good.  Even if its going for a quick walk around the block, filling the bird feeders, sweeping the walkway, or picking up twigs in the yard.
• Eat healthier.  I don't like feeling fat and lethargic, even though I crave comfort foods more often during winter.  This year I want to eat less sweets, mashed potatoes, etc.  Thankfully, I don't bake much or buy a lot of junk food, and being gluten free will keep me mostly safe from temptation at holiday parties.
• Drink lots of water.  One of the top causes of daytime fatigue is actually dehydration!  The more you know....
• Stay productive.  As much I'd like to loaf all day and read romance novels, I still have to get work done and do things like dishes *shudder*.  I like making lists, but it's important to keep a daily list short enough that it doesn't feel overwhelming, AND you can realistically get most of it done.  Break down larger tasks into smaller bits (clean the whole house becomes vacuum living room, dust bedroom, clean toilet, etc.). And if I don't get to everything on the list, it moves to the top on the next day.  
• Enjoy down time.  Be a little selfish and take time to do what you love, even when your plate is full and job or family pull you in all directions.  I must have the iPod in the car to blast on the way to client's homes.  When I get home from work, I take time to decompress by surfing the web or playing a game before I delve into evening chores.  When I'm laying in bed, I clear my head by playing word games or sodoku.  I need to be better at doing these things throughout the winter to keep my spirits high. 

Hopefully my plan will help me feeling like blogging more, among other things.  This month has been stressful and jam packed, and I feel like I've been moving at full speed since August.  I'm determined to take back the reins and make some mood boosting improvements before the holidays kick in full blast!

Two things to look forward to:  Seeing The Hobbit and Lincoln in the theaters! 

“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
― Abraham Lincoln